I have hard core issues with gray. It's either black or white and there is absolutely never anything in between. Good and evil, success and failure, love and hate - there are no thin lines for me, just history book size walls and where something falls shifts with my mood. By nature, I am eccentric and boisterous, all the colors in the spectrum, so why then, do I draw such hard lines in the concrete about putting things in boxes? Probably because boxes are safe, neatly tucked behind their lines. Boxes give order to chaos, but I'll be the first to admit, that both the lines and the boxes are an illusion. We all have very little real control over our lives. The world can shift and change in the blink of an eye and suddenly, the content of those boxes is scattered all over the front lawn and even the neighbor's roof.
I'm starting my evolution by sitting on the love seat this morning, writing this blog. Like I said, I've been away too long and my head is like a champagne bottle that got shook up in a paint mixer. Some people can give a little bit to 12 different projects at once and maintain perfect balance. I, on the other hand, go all in with one thing to the detriment and exclusion of all the other things. It's like this video I saw of a little kid trying to put tennis balls back in the container - every time he put one in, he bent over to pick up another and dumped the previous one back on the floor.
There has to be a way for me to find my own balance. I refuse to believe that I'm just stuck behind these divisions I've built. Even thinking about it cranks the static in my brain up to 10. That means I'm on the right track. In my search for gray, I'm starting with this blog. Ten minutes ago, I had no idea what I was going to say, and here I am three paragraphs in. Clearly, I have stuff to work through. My husband asked me a good question the other night, "Did you do anything for fun today?" As a matter of fact, no. I've been so focused on all the tennis balls I've been dropping that I haven't really taken time to do what makes my heart happy. I shall soon make a return to the quest for the impossible pants. It's been a while since I braved trying them on. And, my birthday party is tomorrow! I must go to Hobby Lobby, I've got some T-shirts to make!
I'm a blogger and educator breaking through stigmas and helping women find their voice.