Pain is the great equalizer. It can bring even the mightiest of us to our knees. Chronic pain will make you question yourself over and over again. Sometimes I just start to rationalize: I must have done something to deserve this. This is my penance for something I've done in one life or another. The ablation failed and I am left to wonder, what is next? How do I force myself to get up and keep going when I know that I have to wake up and face this over and over again for another 15-20 years? The worst thing about pain is that your own body is attacking you. There is no one to yell at or punch or even reason with. This is your body and you can't get away from it. Right now, I want to quit. I really, really want to get back in bed and just quit. I'm questioning everything. What is the point of doing steps? What is the point of using my Christmas make up? What is the point of caring about anything when it all just ends in curling up on the sofa in sweat pants and wanting to die?
The truth is that I have no idea what the point is, but I have to believe that there is a point. It is what keeps me going. It's what makes me stand up and put one foot in front of the other. On the good days, it is the fire that propels me to push my limits. I have to believe that all this suffering means something, that I am being forged for the next great adventure. Today, I put on pants. Today, I ate microwave macaroni. And today, I have walked 234 steps. These are victories, small but not cold.
Next week on Wednesday at my follow up appointment, I will accept my doctors offer to refer me to KU med. I will accept it even though I am terrified of what may or may not happen. I will do this for myself because it is necessary and because, despite my deepest fears, pain is not what any of us deserves.
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