Faith is hard. When you have anxiety, holding on to faith is like taking on a grizzly bear with nothing but your fists. It's big, and mean, and scary, and every bone in your body is screaming, "There is no fight! Only Flight! Run, Run, Run!" So how do you stick to it? How do you make yourself fight? I suppose it's like this guy I read about in an article once. He was being mauled by a big ole bear and he just didn't want to die, so he shoved his arm down that bears throat (apparently they have a terrible gag reflex or something) and while the bear was trying to deal with the aftermath of that nonsense, the guy got away. Now, I'm sure that guy was scarred and traumatized in ways that I can't possibly imagine, but he got away. His desire to live overpowered his fear.
Right now, faith is all I got and if I have to fight a bear to hold on to it, you damn well better believe I'm going to.
After I gave up teaching, I had no idea what to do next. I'd always thought that was the job I'd have until I retired but then, you know, life, a pack of crazed weasels and that chapter of my life was over. I needed a new job by August and it was the end of July with scant prospects but the heavens opened up and God said "Hey, what do you think about working at a home decor store?" I was intrigued and a little skeptical, but I took the job and couldn't be happier with my decision. I really love this job and I've learned so much in the short time I've been here. But, now we are closing at the end of the month and I find myself searching again.
Much like the Judy Blume novel I find myself asking, "Are you there god? it's me Dee." I'm anxious and uncertain, but still hopeful. I have faith that everything happens for a reason. I have faith that I am strong enough to survive the journey. I have faith that I will find what I am looking for. In the words of the immortal Rolling Stones, 'You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."
Creating my own sunshine 🌞