It's easy to get lost or turned around when you're navigating unfamiliar territory. It's also easy to lose steam or let a fire burn down even when you start out with immense passion. The great thing about fires? They are seldom ever really dead. It just takes a little breathe on one ember to ignite the blaze anew. This morning, I'm thinking about a question someone asked me (and a good one at that) - what do I hope to accomplish with my blog? With my Facebook group and social media accounts? What I am I here to do and how will I know when I have succeeded?
      So, what do I hope to accomplish? Why do I keep writing week after week? Because I want to inspire people. I want to empower women to live a life filled with passion and purpose and hope. I want women to know that they are significant and worthy and capable - that there are no limits on what they can do and be and achieve. I want women to celebrate their diversity and love their bodies and be confident in who they are. I want to create a community of women empowering women. A place where we can ask the hard questions and find our own truths. I want us all to live proud and strong and never have to apologize for being exactly who we were born to be.  So, what does this look like? How will I know when I have succeeded? 
     I'll know when we stop looking in the mirror and comparing ourselves to an impossible standard. When we love and celebrate our bodies for their amazing diversity and all the incredible ways they serve us. 
    When we're no longer judged by our reproductive choices. When being a mother is respected as a personal decision rather than a requisite to being a whole person. When we stop asking "when are you going to have kids?" or "Wow, how many kids do you have?" When we collectively stop and realize that family is defined by so much more than how many kids we do or don't have. 
     When taking care of our self first isn't considered selfish. When our needs, desires, and passions are met first and we no longer feel guilt about it. When we all start reaching out to support each other as instinct  rather than bristling up and casting judgement. 
     When we stop treating sex and sexual health as something dirty and taboo. When we can talk about sex to our partners, doctors, therapists, kids as a natural and healthy part of who we are. When we can speak out against sexual assault without fear of retribution or judgement. When we stop hearing and using words like slut and whore to demean us and take away our power and autonomy.
     When we stop assigning gender roles to jobs, hobbies, and activities. When we stop telling kids "that's a girl's toy" or "that sport is for boys". When we stop deciding what qualifies as masculine or feminine and using it to shove people in boxes.
     When we have equal representation in the work force and in the government. When female presidents, politicians, CEOs, school board presidents, engineers, business leaders, and scientists are just as common and just as respected as their male counterparts. 
     When feelings are treated as a normal part of the human experience and expressing them is seen as part of our humanity rather than weakness. When boys can cry and girls can get angry and neither is judged but rather taught how to process those emotions and channel them constructively. 
     In the words of John Lennon, "You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. And I hope someday you'll join us..." Because we only lose if we stop fighting. Our collective voices can change the world and I will never stop believing that. 
    Want to be part of the change? Join my Facebook group Conk's Community: Women Empowering Women. All women 18 and over are welcome.

   If you've been reading my blog for a while, you might know that I write poetry, or at least, I used too. I've never been one for rhyming couplets or following specific rules. Honestly, poetry has saved me more times than I can count in both a literal and a figurative sense. I've battled with anxiety and depression my whole life, and discovered the healing power of poetry as teenager in high school. Poetry is one of the more underappreciated forms of writing because it is so often misunderstood. To be truthful, I had no intention of writing a blog about poetry today. I've been struggling a lot with coming up with the right words to say about everything I've been feeling during this time of momentous  change and unrest in our country. That's why I took a break from blogging last week. But here I am, at the keyboard today, and all I can think about is poetry. I'm not sure why I stopped writing, but today my heart and my soul are full and heavy and a poem is clawing it's way out.
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     I know what some of you are thinking. Wait, what? Are you some kind of monster? Of course it's a bad thing to be selfish. But, hear me out and you just might gain some valuable insight into the inner workings of you. (Or you might still think I'm a monster and go eat a sandwich while you further contemplate the universe, but hey, a sandwich sounds like a win to me 🙂)
     Let's start this healthy introspection off with a few observations about societal expectations placed on women, shall we. First, I'll start with the immortal vocal stylings of Chaka Khan, "I'm every woman, it's all in me, anything you want done baby, I'll do it naturally." Don't get me wrong, I love this song and I totally get why it shows up on so many lists of female empowerment songs, but it points to a less healthy cultural trend that has been picking up steam since the 1970's - women can do it all, at once, without batting an eyelash. Nicole Lapin points out this issue in her amazing book Becoming Super Woman: A Simple 12 Step Plan to Go from Burnout to Balance (more on this book in an upcoming blog post). 
     I must admit that I found myself in deep agreement with Lapin and started really thinking about the things I've been taught about what it means to be a girl/woman in our culture. Women are caregivers and often times sole caregivers. I know that we are making progress as a society, but as with so many things, we've still got a long way to go. We are taught from day one to take care of everyone else's needs before our own. Cook, clean, raise children, run the carpool, go to college, have a fulfilling career, go to the gym, look flawless, remember birthdays, send cards and never complain about being tired or you're selfish. There it is - the s word.
     Growing up, I internalized the belief that being selfish was a cardinal sin. Absolutely, above everything else, you must not be selfish. Give to others to the point of complete self-sacrifice in order to prove that you have not failed, that you are not a bad person, that you don't lack moral character. And it's just a terrible model to follow.
     You can't fill from an empty cup. One more time, louder for those in the back: YOU CAN NOT FILL FROM AN EMPTY CUP. Sorry for yelling, but it's just so frustrating, and irritating this cross we are taught to bear. When you try to do everything and be everything for everyone, you are spread too thin. As human beings, we all have a breaking point. Giving to everyone and never taking for yourself means that you are an empty vessel with no fuel, and, instead of giving 100%, you are giving 1% to a hundred different things. It's exhausting and unhealthy.
     Your needs matter. Not after you have met everyone else's first - now. Being selfish gets a bad rap because it has the connotation that taking for yourself means disregarding everyone else. That you would deliberately harm another person physically, emotionally, or spiritually, to get what you want. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and say that this is not you. You are a good person, and meeting your needs first is about finding balance, and being happy so that everything you do going forward will be met with all the energy and passion you have.
     So, what do you want? Now that you have permission to take care of yourself, what do you need? This question is often deeply unsettling. It's like walking into the world's largest all you can eat buffet on an empty stomach. There are just so many choices, so many things you haven't tried before or thought to try. So much all at once. Take a deep breath ( I know, I give that advice a lot 🙂). This isn't a mountain you have to conquer in one day. This is a process and for most of us, it takes time. And giving yourself permission to explore and grow and change your mind - a hundred times if that's what it takes.
     Put yourself first. Not because you are greedy and irreverent of others feeling, but because you care about being the best version of yourself and sharing that with the world. Start making time, even if you have to fight for it, to ask yourself what you want. What do you dream of for yourself? What kind of life do you want to have? What legacy do you want to leave behind? It doesn't have to be grandiose - you don't have to change the world (unless you want to). Maybe you want to run a successful business, maybe you want to share your passion through art, maybe you want to teach others how to love themselves too. 
     Take a small step today. Get out a pen and a piece of paper. Write at the top, What do I want? You can start making a list, or doodle, or just free write. No one else will see this but you, so don't worry about how it looks or if it's organized the "right" way. There is no right way. Maybe, all you can think of is a sandwich. Write that down. Describe it. Think about what will be on it, what kind of bread, how it will taste. No limits. Just start writing, and do this every single day. What do I want? You'll be surprised how your thinking starts to shift. When you give yourself permission to dream, to contemplate, to imagine without limits - that still small voice inside you will start to speak again. Just listen.
     Put yourself first. Be a little selfish. Figure out what you want for your life. This is the first step on the road to building true fulfillment. And when you allow yourself to have what you need, to be happy, and to grow, that light will shine so brightly that it warms everyone else in your path. Your personal fulfillment will give you strength and direction and purpose. There will be no more 1% to 100 things, there will be 100% to the most important things. So, really, there's only one question left today, what do you want? You owe it to yourself to find out.

     May is Mental Health Month and the perfect time to address a topic that is very near to my heart. Mental health is no different than physical health and just as important. For a very long time, our culture has been dismissive of psychology and therapy favoring a let's sweep in under the rug attitude toward mental illness and I couldn't be happier that's finally starting to change. At the very least, we are seeing positive movement in the right direction.
     I don't know about you, but this idea that it's all "in your head" is immensely frustrating. Telling someone that it's all in their head implies weakness or that they can somehow mind over matter the whole situation and everything will be fine. I'm going to get real with you for a moment here.
     When I was in high school, I suffered from bouts of very severe, clinical depression. I practiced self harm and also struggled with disordered eating, but my dad didn't believe in therapy. He was absolutely convinced that I was acting out, or needed attention and that if I could just "snap out of it" and "put my mind to it", I would be cured. But that's the thing. Mental illness isn't a weakness or personal failing. It doesn't indicate that you lack character. Often, it is the result of trauma or a chemical imbalance or biology, NOT a lack of tenacity. 
     Luckily for me,my mother did believe in therapy and, although I never got support from my dad, I got treatment and medication which helped me immensely. To this day, I struggle with sometimes debilitating anxiety, but I continue to learn new ways of coping and have built an amazing support system. Not every day is a good day, and that's ok.
     If you are struggling or suspect you might be struggling with mental illness, please visit Mental Health America for a free mental health screening. You can also visit Better Help, an online counseling service that offers unlimited 24/7 communication with a licensed health care professional. They offer financial assistance services for those who need it and you can get a free week when you sign up using my link. 
     If someone you care about is struggling with mental illness, here are a few helpful do's and don'ts. First, don't tell them to "calm down" or "chill out". Chances are they can't simply control what they are feeling and maybe even how they are responding. As I said before, this isn't about weakness or personal failing. Second, don't imply that they are "crazy" or "over reacting". Don't make them feel inadequate or less than, because chances are, they already feel that way or have felt that way and what they really need is your support. 
   So, what should you do? First, listen. Brene Brown has an excellent video on empathy that poignantly illustrates the power of listening and offering support. Second, ask them how you can help. Sometimes we just need to know that someone has our back. Lastly, encourage them to talk to a professional. Let them know that there is absolutely no shame in talking to a doctor, counselor, or therapist about what they are feeling and how they are struggling. 
     The very best thing we can do is destigmatize mental health. Start the conversation, share the resources, be the support, and reach out if you or a loved one is struggling. Mental health is every bit as important as physical health. Depression and anxiety are every bit as real as asthma and the flu. Remember, May in Mental Health month and it's up to us to spread the word. 

     It's Easter today and I'm filled with conflicting emotions. The Covid-19 situation has many states, like Kansas, under stay at home orders and we're all advised to limit the size of group gatherings and maintain a safe social distance of at least 6 feet. This means that so many people's Easter traditions are put on hold this year as we all scramble to acclimate to a new normal. But, I'm filled with a reckless sense of optimism this morning even as the skies are dark and the wind is howling outside my window. We're gonna be ok.
     You have restored my faith in humanity. For all the dark, foreboding news clouding my news feed these days, there are just as many amazing people determined to find joy. My mother in law Facetimed us on her ipad yesterday and my father in law was wearing the silliest (and most terrifying) Easter Bunny mask. They took us on an Easter egg hunt through the house using clues she had made for the boys back in 2001. I must also add here that I do not have children, so it was just my in-laws, my husband, and I going on a virtual egg hunt. You are never too old to find joy in the little things.
    Right now, I am most thankful for you, my audience, who give me so much love and support and a renewed sense of purpose. The world can be a scary, chaotic place, but sometimes all you need is someone to reach out and say, hey take my hand, let's go on an Easter Egg hunt, and it's exactly what you needed to catch your second wind.