The weirdest thing just happened. I was hungry and rummaging through the kitchen for a snack. I did not choose a cookie, or chocolate, or even egg rolls - I had an egg, scrambled with cheese. As I was cooking said egg, I thought man I wish I had some bell peppers, and spinach, oh, and mushrooms! My brain actually wanted me to binge eat vegetables. I think this is a good sign. After a series of very bad days, I have chosen to switch to my alter ego, Manadee. She is much more chill and realizes that when life hands you lemons, you don't just burn life's house down.
Yesterday, I went to the gym and worked hard with my trainer. I can now do the leg press machine on the lowest setting...with just one leg. Bam. Whose got skills? Then, I came home and ate some lunch and I was tired, so I took a nap. No biggie. When I woke up, I thought, I'll do laundry so I started doing that for a while. Then I got a little overwhelmed with all the laundry, so I thought, I'll make my bed and clean out the closet. I finished making the bed, but the closet was a little scary, so I moved on and started cleaning the kitchen.
I did not finish a single task that I started yesterday, but you know what? Today, I am wearing clean pants and had a pan to cook eggs in and dishes to eat off of. This made me so happy that I did my hair and wore my good shirt - even though I don't have a job. I realized that it's not about how everybody else does it. I'm just gonna do me, one day at a time, and eventually I'll have a whole clean room. Score one for Manadee.
If you haven't seen it yet, prepare for the awesomeness. I finally got my manatee tattoo! It's me, if I were a manatee ( a manadee if you will). It's whimsical and every time I look at it I smile. I could use some smiling.
Other good news, the urologist moved my appointment up to this Thursday, so I no longer have to wait three weeks to get a check up. Also, the sun is shining and I'm pretty sure that I'm part plant. I need the sunshine to survive. I need it.
On another note, I want to give a shout out to my awesome friend who got me the cookbook "Thug Kitchen 101". It combines my two favorite things, vegetables and swearing. I decided to start my week with a resolution. Eat breakfast. When I was teaching, I got up every morning around 5:30 or 6:00 and I always ate breakfast. Breakfast=functioning manadee. Now that I'm unemployed, I've been going to bed late and getting up late. I've been getting up at 8:30 pretty consistently and sometimes I don't even rouse till 9:00. Then, I skip breakfast and don't eat until 11 ish. It's messing with my groove. Today I had a protein bar. It was not tasty. Tomorrow, I will make breakfast, actual breakfast - and since I have a training appointment at 8:30 that means I have to get up early. Gasp. Will she survive? Tune in tomorrow to find out.
I stumbled into the fighting spirit this morning and got on the treadmill. Yesterday, I went to the gym for a personal training session, so this makes two days of exercise in a row. The endorphins are coursing through my body like a bunch or drunk college kids stumbling into the dorms at two in the morning. I'm on top of the world. If I can just keep up the momentum, we may be on to something here.
It's been a really rough couple of weeks, and as I jammed out to my workout playlist, the words to one of my favorite "Fun" songs really struck a cord. "If you're lost and alone, or sinking like a stone, carry on. Let the past be the sound of your feet upon the ground. Carry on."
I needed to hear this today. The reminder was poignant. I am a manatee with the heart of a dragon. I am a beautiful, boat-mangled wreck, and no matter what life throws at me, I will carry on.
Someone graciously bestowed us an electric wok and I am most excited to make me some num nums. My stomach has staged a revolt against the plethora of deep fried mystery meat we have been eating for the last few weeks. The good news is that I haven't gained any weight; the bad news is that a calorie is not a calorie. You can't put sugar in the gas tank and expect a car to run. I don't know why we expect our bodies to react differently.
I didn't grow up eating like this. My mom used to make a sit down dinner every night complete with a fruit and a vegetable. Granted it was sometimes fruit cocktail, but the food groups were still represented. Even in college, the majority of my meals were at home. I only ate out on special occasions or when McDonalds had cheap cheeseburger Tuesdays (cheeseburgers for .69, the way to a college kids heart). Somewhere along the way, I gave up on home cooking. Honestly, I think it happened when I first started teaching.
I was so exhausted when I came home with a pile of papers to grade that fast food just seemed easier. Also, back then I was a smoker, and when I quit in 2010, I kind of replaced stress smoking with stress eating. Fruits and vegetables just don't soothe the frazzled soul like a double cheese pizza. One bad habit led to another bad habit and pretty soon I was knee deep in fryer greaser and regret.
It is hard to break bad habits. So hard. They are often comfortable and rooted deeper than the weeds in my front yard. In the last 52 days, I have lost 14 pounds and my husband has lost 25. This is great, but now the progress has stalled. There have to be some real changes if we want to continue the momentum. And you know what, my health problems may be part of the reason that I feel like crap, but I guarantee that the lack of nutrition is also a big factor. I have a probiotic- I know about artificial sweeteners and food additives. I know what good choices look like. I just have to find a way to MAKE good choices and DO something with what I've got.
I believe I'll start with the wok. Vegetables, here we come.
Today, my issues have nothing to do with my health. I'm just frustrated and starting to feel inadequate. Why won't anyone hire me? I have two college degrees. I was a teacher for eight years. I've worked in an office and in retail. I have skills. Lots of employable skills and yet, I can't seem to make it past the interview. I really want to know why job after job is turning me down after the interview. Do I smell funny? Do they dislike manatees? Have I unknowingly insulted their mother? I just wish they would send me a letter stating the specific areas in which I was lacking so that I could improve for the next interview.
I have a friend who is going through the same thing right now in a completely different town. Educated, skilled, amassing a pile of rejection letters. On the one hand, it's nice to have someone to go through this with, on the other hand, I feel dreadful for both of us. I keep thinking that if one of us gets a job, then the other can hold out hope that they will be next. And it's not like we are being picky about the jobs we apply for either. I've applied to be an administrative assistant, a receptionist, a child advocate, a clerk. I'm a hard worker with a solid work history. I have references, I'm willing to take significantly less pay than I previously made, I wear my good pants to the interview and nothing. Nothing. NOTHING. Why won't anyone hire me?
I guess I just keep on applying until somebody gets desperate enough to take me on. Wish me luck.
I've heard runners talk about hitting a wall, this place that is super difficult to push past because your body just wants to quit. I'm not a runner, but I've definitely hit the wall and I can tell you it's made of bricks and broken glass. Every day is the same thing, trying to push through the exhaustion to get something accomplished. It grates.
I keep thinking about fighting dragons and so, in the middle of writing this blog, I google search "manatee vs. dragon" and the results have straight up changed my life.
Maybe my single victory for the day is getting out of bed or cleaning out the fridge. Maybe I make it to the gym and lift 10 pounds, or eat 10 less calories than the day before. My momma has told me a thousand times not to compare myself to other people. I may be a manatee, but I have the heart of a dragon. Maybe the only dragon I've been facing down is myself. Whoa. That was deep. Say it with me people, manadragon. It's on.
My new day job is napping. I don't think I've been this tired in my entire life. Ok, that might be an exaggeration. I was this tired before my gallbladder surgery and I was this tired after the last surgery. I can't seem to get my groove back. It's like I'm locked in this perpetual cycle of getting a little better for half a second and then feeling like crap again. I'm certain that it has nothing to do with the pizza or Big Mac I ate yesterday (sarcasm intended). On the plus side, despite my bad food choices, I still stayed within my calorie budget as I did not have ranch dressing, soda, or french fries.
My kitchen is a wreck. We were doing a really good job of staying on top of it, then I had this procedure and felt awful, and Ian got the flu and then shared it with me and we really just let it all go to hell again. It's amazing how quickly a kitchen can turn into a fire breathing dragon. I remember I once had a t-shirt with a picture of a dragon leaned up against a tree picking his teeth with a lance and there is armor strewn everywhere. It was captioned "Sometimes the dragon wins." Right now is one of those times. Maybe I should just dye my hair pink or something. People with pink hair can do anything right?
For those of you who squeam easily, I apologize for what I am about to say. I've gotten over my cold for the most part but have been feeling wretched otherwise so I finally drug myself to the doctor. As it turns out, I don't have a bladder infection but I do have blood in my urine. A person with one kidney never wants to hear this news. A person who has had a failed hysterectomy and an ablation also does not want to hear this news. My doctor put me on an antibiotic and something else and I am scheduled to retest in one week. Cross your fingers for me, I grow weary of the medical drama.
Also, I just received a rejection letter for yet another job. Sigh. I'm beginning to wonder what two degrees, eight years as a teacher, and all my other miscellaneous experience qualifies me for. My Fibit battery also died and I forgot it at my friends house so I can't recharge until tomorrow. My step goal is trashed again this week. Every time I think that I'm getting back up the mountain, I start rolling down the side. This time, I've hit a few shrubberies on the way down. Lord grant me patience. I'm a donkey in a ditch.
For those of you who don't know, Joyce Meyer once did a sermon in which she talked about how God will always help us no matter how far we get off course. We are donkeys and sometimes we fall in the ditch, but God will always pull us back out and set us back on the path if we ask. Sometimes, Satan will come along and say, "I see you're in a ditch again you stupid Donkey!" and you just have to look him square in the eyes and say, "I may be a stupid donkey, but I'm God's donkey!" This always made me laugh. I just think of the donkey from Shrek saying "Not today Satan, not today."
I'm a blogger and educator breaking through stigmas and helping women find their voice.