I wish that I could be one of those insanely motivational people who just decides to do something one day and then trucks right on up that mountain and then there is a heartfelt YouTube video montage with tearjerker music as you watch them go through all the struggles and emerge victorious. Unfortunately, I'm just a regular person who can't seem to stop eating doughnut holes. Sigh. I've been told on more than one occasion by more than one person that I need to stop being so hard on myself, but I really believe that this is human nature.
We can't ever actually see ourselves the way others do and it's a struggle. I understand that weight isn't everything and that we're all built differently and that we're all beautiful in our own way, but it's more than that for me. My weight is hindering me from doing things I love. My knee hurts, my hip keeps getting out of alignment and I just don't have the stamina I'd like to have. Granted, I've got like a laundry list of medical hiccups that contribute, but I honestly feel that if I could just get the weight off, it would be a good start.
Anyone who's ever said "just put the food down" has either never had a weight problem, is deeply unhappy and militant, or lacks any psychological connection to food. It's an addiction, as I've said a million times before. I was never really heavy in high school, but my mom always made well balanced meals and I was on the swim team. Post high school, I gained some weight, but I was a smoker. When I quit smoking almost 10 years ago is when I really packed on the pounds. I've joked with people that Weight Watchers is ruining my life because it's forcing me to meet my demons head on.
Having an anxiety attack in the middle of the grocery store because you can't eat a carton of Ben & Jerry's AND a bucket of fried chicken really makes you think about unhealthy attachments to food. Every single time I start talking about my issues, it always comes back to exactly the same place: my inability to find the middle ground. Eat everything or nothing. Exercise 6 days a week or not at all. I run myself into the ground with these harshly unrealistic expectations for myself and then collapse and face plant in a carton on nachos. I'm working on it though. I'm trying to see myself in the same light as those who love me, but it's hard work.
That's why I started the Sticker Revolution - to have a support network for all the people trying to be healthier versions of themselves mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I'm going to refocus more of my effort into that group and away from self condemnation. I've also started putting up little reminders around the house that I'm worthy of love, that I'm capable, that it's ok to not get it right all the time. And, I don't really care if visitors think it's weird that my refrigerator now says, "I am loved and worthy of being loved." Maybe it will just brighten their day.
Creating my own sunshine 🌞